You have no idea how much I’m waiting for that day to come and seize us. Why do we have to taste the bitterness now for we never taste the sweetness first? Maybe it was my bad… I know it was. I left my regret unsaid that day, but everything is never too late to say, isn’t it? So, is it that hard to forgive me? For my foolishness and my stupidity for letting my ego talked rather than my heart?
You have no idea how much I miss you and hate you at the same time for I know that you won’t be here right next to me even if I let my voice get damaged because of yelling your name dozen times! I hate you coz you started it first and not able to finish it. I hate you coz you make things look so unfair to me but somehow look so right for both of us. I hate you coz the more I want to let you go, the more it kills me. I hate this condition and so I hate you.
Only God who has the answer to all of my never-ending questions; including this. I really wanna make it work like what I’ve been expecting within these times and oh phu-leease make it work! And everything will be a lot easier for me to handle, and hopefully for you too. I put my expectation as high as I can and as low as I can. Whatever it is, the point is I try to be logic and realistic, yet it doesn’t destroy the romance inside me. I’m not playing any games here, dear boy… I’m tired of playing anyway.
I curse a lot when remembering about us. How it all won’t be easy for us. Any path chosen will be the biggest obstacle to get through. I got hurt so many times that I need not to remember it. But still, it turns to be my noisiest alarm to keep me aware, eyes open, mind thinks, emotions down and mouth shut. You are different, on the other side you’re packaged the same wrapper. I feel comfort in my anxiety, I feel secure in my awareness, I feel healed in my renewed wound. You are the heaven stays in hell.
I wish I never see you. I wish I never know you. I wish I never like you, care for you and miss you like the way I do. And I wish I would never say something like this anymore coz I know by saying that, I will be the biggest lousiest liar in the whole wide world.
I wish there’s always you and there isn’t me. So things won’t be this complicated, even just to think of.
*Very very belated post [Nov 18, 07 – 11 pm]