Friday, September 12, 2014

To the hell and back.

clock’s ticking dry like a jaded spy
awaits here on the black frail chair
despise the fact that no one will come
though the doors are wide open, my love

i keep swallowing sweet lies at your goodbyes
watching own heart gets blackened to soaked ebony
sucking clouds of smokes enticing agony
you’re no longer remember me, my love

i can’t swim inside your mind, their locked
said you’re open to me but really not
once this boat’s crushed, you, i and the rest will diffused
i'll no longer be your Muse, my love

whispering voice clinging to ears, hear?
escorting sad little souls willing to sell
empty gold incantations of the past are finally spelled
to embrace your vividly blurry future next to hell, oh well…

G.

While listening: 

Tuesday, September 09, 2014

[Writing] soulcramp.


there was a time when i succumbed to things just to acknowledge the fact that life doesn't always give you sweet candies. or maybe i was hoping to gain a better, bigger something for me in return. in time, i then found out that it led to nothing but to swallow more bitter pills of life. it's crushing me from inside though i don't sense it oftentimes. i'm always being too naive, or even too proud of my own hypothesis, though i know it's not right. it saves only my angst, not my soul. i still nurture that beast inside me who keeps whispering dark things to my head. it successfully grow insecurity within me and tend to linger there permanently. i must have mistaken the meaning of succumbing from losing. now, no more solid patches i can catch. no more pieces of this broken entity i can save.

they're just ashes all over. saying that it's over.

it's over.

G.

Thursday, August 21, 2014

[Thoughts] You'll see!

 
 
 
 
 
I might be naive oftentimes but I'm not stupid.
 
 
 
 
 
you'll see
 
 
 
 
 

Tuesday, July 15, 2014

[Writing] About her: Diandri Almira Widi.

Assalamu'alaikum, readers!

I'M BAAACK!!

Wohohoho... How are you? All is well hopefully, yes? Aamin...

How am I doing? Never better! Why so? Well, let me introduce you with someone....

Pic taken by hubby

This cute lil girl is Diandri Almira Widi. We call her "Andri".

Diandri = My & hubby's name (buDI & ANDRIani). Andriani is my last name :)
Almira = The word is from Arabic language (also used in Greek language) means "Aristocrat or Princess" - a noble call to a woman.
Widi = From a Sanskrit language, means "knowledge" or "intelligence".

My second child, my first daughter. Finally was born safely to the world on April 26, 2014 at 3:48 pm through sectio surgery, and weighted 2.65 kg. Alhamdulillah, now I have a pair of amazing kids! What more could I ask? Thank you, Allah <3

Speaking about Andri, she was born 3 weeks earlier than the due date. As I have told you in my blog titled "[Writing] 200gr", Some 'condition' occurred in my fetus. First, the fetus didn't grow as expected, she only weighted 1,5 kg on her 30th weeks, when she should have weighted 1,7 kg. Second, it seemed that there was a very smooth leakage of the amniotic fluid as there was a quite significant decrease of it (normal amount is 10, mine was just 7.8), and third, I was having an early contraction on my 33rd weeks so then I was hospitalized for two nights to prevent the early contraction from getting worse. The obgyn gave me two times of injection to mature the baby's lungs (in where my vagina felt so fucking itchy couple seconds after the injection. Bummer, haha!), in case the contraction continued and I needed to deliver the baby that day. But Alhamdulillah she stayed inside my belly a little longer, hehe... I was probably being too exhausted everyday at work. Almost everyday, I went home at night, went to and from work with motorcycle, plus I did exercise at the gym 3 times a week. DANG!!

"What the hell was she doing?", you'd prolly ask that question in your mind about me. Yes, I - too - feel stupid, come to think of it. People say you'll live your life easier and more relaxed on your second pregnancy, regarding you're experienced enough to take care your fetus and all. But no. Heck no. I skipped one most important thing about pregnancy: DON'T GET TOO TIRED. But that didn't stop me from being a badass overworked woman, wasn't I?

I'm sorry, my baby bunny. You were the one who had to bear your mommy's mischievousness *sighs*.

After being hospitalized from March 26 - 28, the obgyn forbid me to work again. So after a week of bedresting, I submitted my maternity leave form to the HR staff & my boss. I have 20 "empty" days, meaning I was going through 20 days on bed, just laid down having what my body and my fetus had been screaming since the beginning; RESTING.

And still no baby. What kind of maternity leave was that? Meh.

During my early maternity leave, I must.. bold, underline and italic this, I MUST eat six egg-whites everyfuckingday!! Not to mention a pile of vitamins & special meds to help gaining my baby's weight, and 2 glasses of hi-protein milk. GAAAAHHH!!! That felt like f.o.r.e.v.e.r. I swear God now I'm a bit trauma with egg-white. Na'ah... Won't eat that thing again for about a hundred years ahead, lol! Then I have a weekly meeting schedule with my obgyn to control the baby's progress. Everything went well, till on my 37 weeks of pregnancy (around April 20), the obgyn found no happy progress on her weight. In a week, she only gained weight below 100 gram, "That's it. You're having a surgery a week ahead, lady. She ain't growing inside there anymore (pointing my fat belly)." Then I thought, "Well that's not bad. At least she could hold on inside me for a month since I was hospitalized". I was scheduled to have a sectio surgery on April 27th, but then she must be taken out a day earlier because the amniotic fluid decreased again from 8.8 to 7.1.

Pic taken by hubby
With the chubs-chubs (I feel like eating those cheeks, lol)
A day after she was born, my breastmilk had come out. Yeaaay... Learning from my previous breastfeeding time with #LittleRayyan, I already pumped my milk the day after my surgery - of course along with bfeeding Andri. Must be honest, I felt soo guilty to her, esp when knowing she just weighted 2.65 kg, while her brother weighted 3,3 kg when he was born. So I was like turning into a breastmilk bitch. I'm all about breastfeeding and breastpumping. I ignored the 'quite-maddening' pain that I felt post surgery, what mattered to me was only bfeeding her & collecting the milk since the beginning. I have collected more than 6 bottles of milk @60ml during 4 days of recovery at the hospital. Seemed to be destined to do that, on Day-3 Andri's bilirubin (hematoidin) was 11,7. Not too high but couldn't be ignored as well. The DSA suggested a blue light treatment to Andri for a day. You know the rule, aight? During the treatment I couldn't breastfeed her, so the pumped breastmilk I had been collecting was very useful. Till today, Alhamdulillah I have collected enough (even a lot) stockpile of breastmilk inside the freezer at home. I already got back to work since last week, the struggle to pump the milk has begun ladies and gents. I determine and demand myself to bfeed Andri till she's 2 years old - just like her brother. She must grow as healthy as possible with my breastmilk. I have to make it up to her to remove the guilty feeling I've been bearing, hehehe... Wish me luck!! *fingers crossed*

Breast is Best!!


May 18th 2014

June 7th, 2014

July 13th, 2014

One nice thing to know is that Rayyan's and Andri's birthdays are so close to each other. Rayyan is on April 24th and Andri is on April 26th. Hohoho... It's a blessing thing to us - parents right? LOL.

Anyway, my hubby had been collecting videos since my first trimester of pregnancy till Andri was born. The video has up on Youtube. It's our little present to her just so someday - when we're not in this world again - she could see how much her parents love her and want the best for her, for her brother as well. They're everything to me, they're the air I breathe, the charger of my battery, the water for my dry throat. They're my ultimate antidote.

Rayyan Widi Alastair & Diandri Almira Widi

Taken by hubby

Enjoy the video, I gotta go now... Pumping! LOL. Have a nice day, peeps. Happy fasting and enjoy the Eid Fitr's allowance (Or should I say, THR??). Yeeehaaaww...! :D



Wassalam,
G.

Tuesday, March 25, 2014

[Thought] Banning NOAH movie? I agree.

Mau ngulas sedikit tentang film yang lagi heboh dibicarain di socmed nih karena beberapa waktu lalu, Lembaga Sensor Film melarang peredaran film ini di bioskop-bioskop di Indonesia, menyusul tindakan beberapa negara lain yang sudah lebih dulu nge-ban film ini di negara mereka. Insting kepo jalan, gue pun Googling sinopsis film ini,


Yeaps! NOAH :)

Langsung aja. Gue pribadi sih setuju yaa film ini better ngga ditayangin di Indonesia. Pun kalau tetap mau ditayangin, ada baiknya dikasih disclaimer bahwa ceritanya diangkat dari kitab suci agama tertentu (yang jelas bukan Islam, karena Islam tidak pernah menghina para Nabi sendiri dengan men-visualisasikan wajah dan atau perilaku Nabi-Nabi kami sendiri. We have our own way to respect and love our Prophets) dan ada batasan umur yang dibolehkan menonton film ini.

Yang gue heran, sekitar 16 tahun yang lalu (sekitar 1998 kalau ngga salah), gue masih kelas 2 SMP. Gue bisa dengan bebasnya nonton film "Prince of Egypt" di bioskop 21 sama temen-temen gue dan ended up keluar bioskop dengan terheran-heran karena gambaran Nabi Musa yang ada di kepala gue - hasil pembelajaran gue dari buku agama sendiri tentunya - jauh berbeda dengan yang digambarkan di film itu. Sampe-sampe dirumah gw tanya lagi ke ortu, walhasil ortu harus nerangin panjang lebar tentang perbedaan sejarah kenabian antara Islam dengan agama lain, walaupun kami punya Nabi-Nabi yang sama.

Iman sempet goyah setelah nonton Prince of Egypt? Hmm, gue agak lupa. Agak lupa apa gue udah beriman waktu itu, hahaha... Yang jelas sih gue jadi bertanya-tanya, versi mana yang lebih mendekati fakta. Versi kitab suci gue, apa versi film. Tapi sejurus kemudian gw keplak kepala sendiri, "Plis lah Wed... Masa iya loe menangin cerita film yang jelas-jelas money-oriented ketimbang kitab suci loe sendiri?"

But that's the point I wanna say. Orang-orang bisa dengan gampangnya bilang, "Itu cuma film, norak amat sih pake di banned segala!". Coba kalian ada di posisi saya 16 tahun yang lalu, tapi tidak berpikiran seperti saya - yang menganggap kitab suci agama sendiri masih lebih valid daripada cerita buatan, apalagi buatan dari kitab suci yang bukan agama sendiri - dan terpukau dengan "kekerenan" film itu sampe-sampe merasuk ke otak kalian. Bahaya ngga?

Jelas. Terutama buat muda-mudi yang fondasi agamanya belum steady. Memercayai sejarah penting seorang Nabi dari sebuah produksi film yang jelas-jelas profit-oriented demi bertahan di industri, emang bisa? Bisa banget! Sorry nyebut merk, wong Dee Lestari aja sampe pindah agama setelah nulis Supernova, kemungkinan besar pembacanya juga bisa melakukan hal yang sama setelah baca novel doi. Apa yang ngga mungkin coba? Apalagi kalo kita nge-fans banget sama suatu karya tertentu yang kita elu-elukan melebihi rasa cinta kita sama pencipta kita sendiri. Nope! Ini ngga berlebihan sih IMHO. So basically yeah, I agree with LSF. Justru yang gue bingungkan, kemana LSF waktu Prince of Egypt wara-wiri dengan bebasnya di bioskop-bioskop tanah air tahun 1998 itu? Ditambah kemasan soundtrack-nya yang ciamik banget dari Mariah Carey & Whitney Houston, makin-makinlah remaja-remaja kala itu tertarik banget buat nonton PoE dan keluar dengan decak kagum - bahkan meyakini jalan cerita di film itu nyata adanya - walaupun bukan diangkat dari apa yang diceritakan dalam kitab suci mereka.

Miris :(


Jangan keburu emosi menghujat LSF. Baca, tela'ah dulu kenapa sampai (bukan cuma) Indonesia melarang penayangan film ini. Ini bukan sekedar masalah, "Negara Indonesia kapan majunya kalo gini?", No! Liat sisi psikologisnya, efek yang ditimbulkannya nanti dan kemungkinan-kemungkinan tidak baik lain. Ya itu tadi menurut gue, kalaupun masih ngotot untuk ditayangin, kasih disclaimer dan age restriction itu mungkin lebih baik. Just my little thought. Gue sendiri berencana untuk nonton film ini sih, kepo! Hehehe... But now, I'm ready with all "the lies" that I will find in the movie... Much readier than 16 years ago, hehe...

G.

Tuesday, March 18, 2014

[Writing] 200gr

#TheLittleOne 31-32 weeks ^^
Assalamu'alaikuuuum ^____^

Ituu diatas ituuu, iyaaa itu calon anak keduakuuuu, hehehe...

Excited, deg-degan, sedikit khawatir (tapi banyak senengnya sih) nunggu kurang lebih 8 minggu lagi sampe si debay lahir. Kenapa khawatir? Iya, karena waktu check-up terakhir gue ke obgyn, si dokter bilang bahwa si debay yang seharusnya BB normalnya udah menginjak 1,7 kg, ternyata masih 1,5 kg.

In other meaning, #TheLittleOne masih harus ngejar 200 gram lagi dalam waktu yang singkat. *sobs*

Sebenernya overall ngga ada yang perlu gue khawatirkan banget sih. Naik turun BB-nya debay masih dalam batas normal kata obgyn gue. Tapi meneliti dari eating pattern gue selama masa kehamilan ini, si obgyn merasa perlu kasih gue beberapa suplemen tambahan, menu makan khusus + susu khusus penambah BB debay. Sebenernya gue sih udah bisa makan normal ya, si mual-muntah dahsyat yang pernah gue alamin di trimester pertama kehamilan gue udah ngga ada lagi. Masih sih sesekali gue muntah kalo makan makanan yang ternyata gak disukain si debay atau makan terlalu banyak. Tapi itu udah jarang banget. Selama trimester kedua cuma sekali dan masuk  trimester ketiga juga baru sekali muntahnya.

Back to the eating pattern, iya jadi nafsu makan gue udah balik normal sebenarnya. But that's it, normal. Maksudnya normal disini adalah nafsu makan normal gue non-hamil. Itu berarti sarapan gak suka pake nasi (pake nasi kalo udah kelaparan kelas kakap), dari pagi ke siang cuma ngemil sekunyah-dua kunyah biskuit. Makan siang biasa, nasi porsi 1/2 (lebih dari setengah biasanya muntah), dari siang ke sore ngopi, minum susu (sanggupnya juga susu kedelai - which is lemaknya lebih rendah daripada full cream milk / susu hamil) dan ngemil buah apel / pisang. makan malem nasinya lebih sedikit lagi dari 1/2 porsi. Minum susu hamil kalo masih ngerasa kuat nampung aja perutnya. Kalo gak kuat ya gak gue minum (bandel! hihihi). That's it. Ini sih sama aja kaya nafsu makan gue sehari-hari waktu ngga hamil. Ngga ada perubahan apa-apa kaya normalnya bumil yang nafsu makannya nyaingin banteng, yang lapar selalu tanpa ba-bi-bu, yang bawaannya pengen ngunyah mulu. Gue sih ngga gitu, malah cenderung maunya treadmill-an, steaming... Hal-hal yang bikin keringetan dan bakar lemak. Jelas sudah si obgyn manyun dan gue kena omel. "No more gym session for you till your labor, lady!". Oh dear... >___<

Tapi setelah dikasih tau kalo BB-nya #TheLittleOne kurang 200gram - berbanding lurus dengan kenaikan BB gue yang cuma 6 kilo sampe usia kehamilan 32 minggu ini - gue emang jadi agak parno. 8 minggu waktu yang sebentar kalo ngga dirasain. Kalo selama sisa waktu itu ngga ada peningkatan mutu makanan gue, kasian si debay kalo BB-nya below standard. Oke, dok. gimme prescription and special menu, I'll eat them all!

Walhasil, check-up terakhir ini gue pulang dengan membawa resep obat yang barisannya lebih panjang. Biasanya vitamin yang dikasih si obgyn cuma 2 jenis, sekarang jadi 4 jenis. Ditambah susu khusus penambah berat badan (macam susu P*diasure-nya versi orang dewasa atau Ev*rton Weight Gain) yang harus gue minum 2x sehari DILUAR susu hamil (Oh boy...). Yang paling berat sih sebenernya menu tambahan gue setiap harinya - like all those additional menu seem never enough - adalah gue harus makan putih telur rebus 2x setiap harinya.

....................... *mata melotot mulut menganga dalam ekspresi kengerian*

Gue sih suka ya telor dan segala menu yang ada telornya. Apalagi telor 1/2 mateng pake lada banyak sama garem, hadoohh... favorit banget deh! Cuma trus ngga juga makan putih telor rebus 2x setiap hari juga sih... Gile, lama-lama berat banget menuhin kewajiban yang satu ini. Eneg coy ngadepin putih telor muluk...

Salut saya untuk Anda-Anda sekalian wahai Ade Rai, Agung Hercules dan Agnes Monica...
*Dan semua namanya dimulai dari abjad yang sama (penemuan ngga penting)*

But for the sake of my fetus, I take the challenge! Gue combine putih telornya ke dalam sarapan gue, makan siang atau makan malam. Mentok-mentok ide, putih telornya gue gadoin sama sambel terasi... tok! Chilli saves my appetite, big time! Gue gitu lho, Padang murtad yang berlidah Padang sejati :D

Kunci penting lainnya sih asal gue ngga stress aja, ngga gampang parnoan - in which I quite have an issue on this. Waktu hamil Rayyan, mood swing gue cincay, tapi hamil yang sekarang... khan maen. Keliatannya mungkin ceria-ceria aja diluar, tapi gue sebenernya jadi perasa banget terutama menginjak trimester ketiga. I try and am still trying to press down the mood swing. So far (keliatannya sih ya) berhasil, walau hasilnya adalah gue jadi lebih diem dari biasanya. Soalnya kalo beneran dikeluarin, gue bisa nangis tiba-tiba setiap saat, atau marah-marah ngga jelas. Yang kaya gitu malah ngebingungin orang lain yang (misalnya) liat gue nangis atau tetiba kena semprotan gue - dan gue sendiri gak akan bisa ngejelasin dengan bener penyebab gue begitu, karena gue sendiri juga gak tau penyebabnya apa. Ya kalo yang kena omel gue itu paham perubahan hormon bumil, kalo ngga paham? Yang ada gue di cap orang stress, hehehe... So I'd better press the emotion down by being in a silence. Ngeluarin emosinya entar pas sendirian di musholla kantor, habis shalat, waktu dzikir dan berdo'a. Itu udah paling tokcer dan victimless dah :p

Eniweeey, wish me luck yaa! 8 more weeks, duuude! Hohoho... Still, I and hubby have not found name candidates for #TheLittleOne yet. Any name suggestion, peeps? It's a "she", insyaa Allah ^^

G.

PS: I just uploaded new cover song to my Soundcloud page. A spontaneous recording during karaoke session I had with my besties at work, LOL.

Wednesday, March 05, 2014

[Writing] Suicidal




I fucking hate myself...

For pushing myself doing or acting something beyond my limit too often
For thinking too much upon many things that are not worthy enough to be thought about
For unconsciously liking to analyze things from many different perceptions then come to an absolutely disturbing conclusion that discreetly destroys myself and my sanity
For always building and maintaining the strong facade when this entity is being torn apart - severely
For cursing own self after that, thinking how stupid I am - mask of pride is on. Still
For willingly falling and wounding alone with silent scream and moan
For being a self-motivator by drawing fake but nice images and words to my head, forming new fragile footings for me to stand up again post-downfall

And I fucking hate myself the most...
For repeating those paths over and over again

I fucking hate myself for being suicidal and loving it.

G.