[Writing] soulcramp.

there was a time when i succumbed to things just to acknowledge the fact that life doesn't always give you sweet candies. or maybe i was hoping to gain a better, bigger something for me in return. in time, i then found out that it led to nothing but to swallow more bitter pills of life. it's crushing me from inside though i don't sense it oftentimes. i'm always being too naive, or even too proud of my own hypothesis, though i know it's not right. it saves only my angst, not my soul. i still nurture that beast inside me who keeps whispering dark things to my head. it successfully grow insecurity within me and tend to linger there permanently. i must have mistaken the meaning of succumbing from losing. now, no more solid patches i can catch. no more pieces of this broken entity i can save.

they're just ashes all over. saying that it's over.

it's over.

G.

[Writing] Suicidal

I fucking hate myself...

For pushing myself doing or acting something beyond my limit too often
For thinking too much upon many things that are not worthy enough to be thought about
For unconsciously liking to analyze things from many different perceptions then come to an absolutely disturbing conclusion that discreetly destroys myself and my sanity
For always building and maintaining the strong facade when this entity is being torn apart - severely
For cursing own self after that, thinking how stupid I am - mask of pride is on. Still
For willingly falling and wounding alone with silent scream and moan
For being a self-motivator by drawing fake but nice images and words to my head, forming new fragile footings for me to stand up again post-downfall

And I fucking hate myself the most...
For repeating those paths over and over again

I fucking hate myself for being suicidal and loving it.

G.

[Writing] Forget to usually love the rain.

Assalamu'alaikum wet people in the morning :p

Unlike other mornings, this morning's rain cheered me up with full hope, seizing something I even haven't fully picture it in my head but somehow relieving. Last night I sat in the balcony of my house, staring at the shy raindrops while rhyming the sound of them with some slow tunes I was playing in my Blackberry device. Was thinking some random things, then turned out realizing it's been a while since I got so moved by the rain and sincerely be amazed by it. How the rain usually brought hopes for me through my downfall, though they were only empty cachets. At least I survived from that, and found my way back to move on.

Have I lost that sensation?

Oh, what a big loss =(

G.

PS: While listening to The Corrs - All The Love In The World. Always cry listening to this one. all, ways...

[Poem] Flee!

Where should we go, my hobbled footsteps?

Her last trace has been erased by my my rain of tears

In silent whispers I called her

Wishing that she could hear it, or anyone else who could

And send it to her

Where should I look, my puffy eyes?

Her last silhouette has gone along with the miserable dawn

In the darkest hour I swore

I would never fall down and never leave her behind

Because she and I were meant to be

Why should I breathe, my creaking lung?

Our time might have been stopped long time ago

I've drawn transparent lines in between these paths

I can't hold her arms while we're stepping in different ground

While I'm breathing without her...

I said hello to her world last night

Was she there?

I cried my blood through all the holes last night

Was she stare?

I missed her so much it ached me to my weakest

Was she care?

People are living for their own reason

And so am I, and so was she

By that matter I beg You

Knees down

Hands up

If only, You allow me...

Without any wing on me, without any circle mark above me

Let me see her glaring face smile upon me

O' Lord... Let me touch her pale flawless skin

Without any thick transparent lines in between

Let me FLy frEE. Let me FLEE!

If only, Mummy...

G.

PS: For my beloved Mum. You're in the best hand now, I do believe. Just don't mad at me for being such an annoying daughter who cries while yelling at her mommy for a shoulder to cry on. Because really mom, I was, am and will always be your little girl. Forever...

.......................

Mama...