Time flies.

It does, it really does. It feels like yesterday when I sacrificed my life, did my Jeehad for my family to give birth for you, the lil creature who had been living inside my embryo for 39 weeks. And now look at you, laddie... You're growing like a blossoming flower, creating a scent which I long to inhale it deeply every time I got back from work. Look at you, boy... You're learning how to walk now without guidance like a nestling who tries to use his wings to fall free to the sky of no limitation. Look at you, my son... You're 1 now.

Happy birthday!!

I love you more than any Paulo Coelho or William Shakespeare can rhyme.

G.

Our Jilbab is NOT an oppression!

(The picture is taken from this site)

France is not as romantic as what people think it is. Zionist sets it. France is cruel & fascist. It's definitely not a fave country for me. Na'ah! Just a single tower & it becomes the most romantic country in the world? Well then my country can do that. We have MONAS aren't we? How romantic! Haha! (And it's a sarcastic laughter, lads!).

Wondering why am I being sarcastic to that country? Read this journal and you'll find out why.

"Some feminists argue for a ban because they say covering up is a sign of women’s oppression."

Oh, so now veil is an oppression, huh? What a doofus. Now I'm wondering how their parents raise those feminists and how society treat them as if they feel like they NEED to be a feminist in order to gain some society recognition and gender equality to cover up their lack of common senses inside their peanut-sized brains!

And they claim to be a non-religious, secular society while they openly banning women with veiled hijab? I don't know what the heck they're afraid of of a veil, cause it's not like those women hide a bomb inside it. What are you, 10?!

G.

PS: I'm recalling the time when lots of my friends (mostly girls) made some 'nickname' for me. Some are "jilbab kamuflase", "jilbab nista", "jilbab palsu" and others. They said my attitudes are as wrecked as theirs and how unsuitable and inappropriate I am with my veil. I'm proudly say that Allah SWT are the ONE (and this is literally the only one) who know how wrecked I could be as a human. But then I shall came with this one simple question for you, ladies... Instead of questioning my JILBAB-ing, why don't you start with questioning your NOT-JILBAB-ing first? Go answer :)

Untitled.

June, 2007 - Bulungan

Our first meeting (Iwed & Die)

I went to a gig where a band named Purgatory performed that nite. They did it, it was an awesome performance. After the gig, my friend brought me to the backstage and introduced me to Purga's members. They were nice & friendly. I even got to take some pictures with their guitarist; Die. He was nice and everything. We talked but just for a minute. I had to go home real soon coz it was getting really late.

August, 2007 - Bulungan

My first performance with Gelap, Bulungan

I performed with Gelap for the first time since I joined them in July, 2007. I was excited and nervous at the same time. That was my first strike on metal scene. We did it, though... It was a blasting night. And I was surprised that Die came to watch my performance with Gelap. He said he likes my performance. Some other friends of mine also came to support us. I feel so honored and thankful. I and Die talked a bit and that's it. We split to get mingle with other friends. That nite ended with a full smile on everyone's face.

November, 2007 - Ciledug

Iwed & Die at Bounty & Diella's wedding party

I went to Bounty & Diella's wedding at Diella's house in Ciledug. Bounty was Die's friend and they were on the same band. So I met him again there. We had better chat this time, coz we weren't surrounding by chaotic music and had to socialized with people on the gig like the condition that always appeared everytime we met. So we were talking, or sharing was more likely, about things more personal. Him with his issues and so did I with mine. One thing that got in my mind that time was he was a good interlocutor and a good listener. Finally got to meet a cool friend that never hide anything so that he will look cool in front of others :)

New Year's Eve, 2008 - Senayan

Sound of Spirit, Senayan. New year's eve 2008

Gelap made a performance on a gig called Sound of Spirit in New Year's Eve. Purgatory also performed there. Since Die got to perform at 2 a.m., and Gelap had made their performance at 11 p.m, I had to wait him (and it was a loong waiting, ladies and gents, under the rain. Zzz...) to be on stage for almost 3 hours. But it's all worth it, though. Purgatory (with him in it) never failed me, heheh... :D Was thinking to spend the rest of the night waiting till dawn at their basecamp, but then again I thought I would just stayed over at Rins' house. It was definitely one of the best gigs I ever performed in :)

Early March, 2008

It's been a while since the last time I talked to Die over the phone, SMS or personally. Till on midnite, one of my friends - Imron - texted me the news that Die had an accident on the road near Citraland Mall. He asked me to call him to check his condition. But well, it's midnite and I guessed he was already asleep by then. So I called him the day after and we talked. I encouraged him and wished him to get well soon. He also wished me to have a nice recording (I happened to have a recording session with Gelap that day, so I couldn't visit him at his house). It was nice. I mean, just nice. No strings attached.

March 21st, 2008

The 1st movie we watched 2gether :D

After being in hot and cold conversation over the phone for some nights, finally we decided to hang out together. The first hang-out didn't go quite like what we predicted. We planned to hang out and watch some movie but then ended up going to Sarinah, watching a metal gig with Bang Didi, aL, Lulu and other friends of us. The second hang out was better. Just the two of us (ehm...) and yes, we finally went to cinema. Our first together-watched movie was.. Well, you can tell from the picture above *blushed*. There was something funny happened during our "hang-out"; My hi-school friend caught us up, walking to the exit door at the cinema, side-by-side & holding hands. I said to him that Die is my friend, but - damn I even realized it - I acted so... what do you say, uhmm... So awkwardly unnatural! I think that day is a trigger to another step of our relationship. I didn't realize that I already had a crush on him, coz as we've agreed before that we will run a cool friendship without any "meaning" behind. Latter I reckoned, cool friendship without motives, huh? So impossible, hahaha...

Day by day passed by... Midnite conversation still going. And I still in a relationship with someone afar. Yet I couldn't explain how things run for me. Until one unforgettable night, where he finally said about this whole crazy affection he felt toward me. And he kept saying that for 6 hours! Yes, 6 non-stop hours. From 12 am - 6 am. I went from laughing as it was a joke, being sarcastic, feeling unbelievable and then mumbled, "could've picked a better spot for saying it all", hahaha... But yeah, it all worked. He finally got me under his spell. I couldn't explain how everything went like it was and all I could say to him was, "Thank you. Uhmm, Die... Can you say it again?" Finally, there's something inside my tummy that jumped in and out everytime I read his name displayed on my cellphone...

And yeah, if you ask us on what date we celebrate our love-day, trust me.. We don't know :D

April - September 2008

Us holding hands together, facing the cruelty of the world

The day after I got punched & kicked by my brother. Look at my swollen eyes

Okay, the real life begins! In these months, we were facing the toughest phase in our relationship. Not the internal issues, but external. The world suddenly went against us. The people whom we thought were the closest suddenly attacked us. They were pointing their fingers toward us & grinding their sharp teeth, yelling at us. My parents and big family, my bestfriends, his bestfriends... Like, everyone! I never received this kind of rejection when I was with someone else. But when I was with Die, even the clouds formed the word "NO" for us. One thing I got hurt so bad was when I got a punch on the face and a kick on the stomach from my brother when he saw my mom cried one morning. Really, it hurt so bad, literally. But my heart hurt the worse. I could just crying in my bedroom while texting him, telling what just happened to me. I even didn't recognize my family anymore. They were becoming strangers, I didn't know them no more. I didn't understand, were we really not meant together?

October - December 2010

Us with friends on a metal gig

The renaissance months, LOL. Thanks to Allah SWT, we kept fighting to what's worth it. And for me, he's worth the fighting. Slowly, during months of struggling, I approached my family - esp. my mom - to try to think outside the box, to try to place herself into my shoes. She got depressed, and so was I. She went to our hometown to cool herself off. At forever last, I got the "green light" from my parents on December 2008. My father said to me, "If he thinks you're the one, he should come and see me". So then on December, Die came to my house and met my parents. Serious conversation they had, with the result that he would have a planning to propose me! Gawd, God works in mysterious way, don't you think so?

January 18th, 2010 - The Proposal

January 18th, The Engagement Day

The day has come. His big family came to my house and proposed me to be Die's wife. All the well-mannered proposal thingy was done. We set the date of the wedding: 04.04.09. "Three months from now... Wow! Time flies!" I yelled in my heart... I'm getting married!!!

February - March 2009

The prewed photo session

Are the busy months. We were preparing everything we need for the wedding party. Searching for the dress, submitting all needed data & documents for the "akad nikah", doing food testing, fitting gowns, doing the pre-wed photo shoot, photo printing, invitation printing until setting the online invitation website. We were all so occupied and overloaded, plus very very nervous for Die and I. I couldn't stop thinking of the worst cases, whether if the party won't go smoothly, or I'm getting fatter before the big day, or the food will be unsatisfying. To reduce the tense, I did Monday-Thursday fasting, it worked... a bit :p

April 4, 2009

The wedding

Finally, that "Someday" has come to us. Alhamdulillah... I couldn't thank more to Allah SWT for His blessing. Thank you, God. Bismillah, I entered a new chapter in my life. A new title; A wife. Well, that's huge :D

July 2009

2-month pregnant. Dreamland Bali

One night when Die picked me up at the my office to come home, I felt extraordinary nausea in my tummy. He was the one who realized I hadn't had my period, where I should have had it several days before. So I bought 2 pregnancy testers. On the first trial, the tester gave me double strips. Yes, folks... I was pregnant :)

August 2009 - April 2010

5-month pregnant, Cibodas West Java (left) & Dunkin Donut Bekasi (right)

I never imagined how is it like to be pregnant until I experience it myself. It was... well, unspoken. Happy, nervous, worried, excited, bloated, anxious.. They mixed up and I couldn't tell which one was more dominant. April 2010 was the most-waiting month for me. It was when I started to forget how to sleep well and deep. It was coming... It was getting closer...

April 4, 2010

Happy 1st Anniversary, my love! Nothing happier than celebrating your anniversary with your husband, hunting for baby clothes and stuffs. Cute, isn't it? Hehehe... We went to a baby shop to buy all baby things for welcoming my son in this world in couple days ahead. I couldn't believe I was becoming a mom. Magic! ^^

April 24, 2010 - Rayyan Widi Alastair

Rayyan in the middle of Mommy & Daddy

Die accompanied me to meet my obstetrician to have the regular check-up. I hadn't had any contraction at all, while my pregnancy was entering its 39th week. There were only a few spots and that's it. When the obstetrician checked my baby thru the Ultrasound, my embryo had lost almost all its amniotic fluid so it would be impossible for to give normal birth. Suddenly the doctor said that I must stay at the hospital because the baby must be born immediately. Shocked. Not ready. Wanted to cry all the time, that was what I felt that night. Hurriedly, I called my mom to deliver the news. I got into the surgical room at 11:30 p.m and my baby was born on 11:45 p.m. When the first time I heard him crying... That's when I realized that the 3-month continuous nausea, 6-month body stiff, 3-month unwell sleep and 9-month of carrying another soul were all worth it. I said to myself, I am the real woman now and my life has perfectly completed with his presence. Rayyan Widi Alastair; A brilliant guardian who can bring his parents to heaven with him someday. Amin... :')

May 2010 - March 2011 - Chaotic, upside-down months

Rayyan with Mom & Big Biyo

If you ask me whether I experienced a scary symptoms named "Baby Blues", my answer will be yes, I did. I don't know exactly how Baby Blues works, but all I know that this hideous feeling toward Rayyan always came at night when my husband already asleep, the rest of the family were asleep, and I and Rayyan were the only two who didn't asleep. I feel this kind of weird hatred toward my baby, I thought he was so selfish to others that he didn't want to understand my need of resting my body a bit. He made me stay awake all day and all night! I barely liked him (I'm sorry, son... *sighs*), in the morning I handed him to my mom so I could "steal" some precious minutes to close my eyes and rest. I even felt lazy to breastfeed him when he was hungry. I never expected that nursing and breastfeeding exclusively would be this tough and difficult to face. I almost gave up with the breastfeeding thing, till I joined the AsiForBaby mailing list. I collected all useful articles about breastfeeding, I printed them and I asked my husband to read it too. The successful of breastfeeding your baby is 80% obtained from the family, esp. from the husband. So to make me a breastfeeding mom, I should make my husband a breastfeeding father first. Thank God he's everything I'm looking for if I need supporter. The baby blues lasted only about 3-4 days. And Alhamdulillah until now - 19 days before my son's first birthday - I'm still breastfeeding him without any other additional cow milk. Thanks to my family who always support me from the beginning. And of course the main support comes from my husband. Die is the man. My man. My

April 4, 2011

Second anniversary of Deathlust

Happy second anniversary to us!! Our love still on fire!! Never tired to pray and beg to God to give us all things He bless. Small chaotic fun family, even more chaotic hyperactive son. Whatever it is, we just hope that He bless it all. Amin... I my Deathlust family. They're every reason I live and every second I breathe.

~G~