Imperfect.

I feel amazed seeing Nisa’s wedding gift, it’s not the thing that amazed me, but what were written on it. The gift was a notebook, standard kind of a gift. What makes it different is that there are three kinds of quotes that were put in it. They said:

“Engkau adalah teman jiwaku yang hilang, setengah diriku yang dipisahkan saat ditetapkan [Kahlil Gibran]”

And there’s another one,

“When you are down to nothing, God is up to something.”

And the last is my fave. I lost my breath when reading it,

“You come to love not by finding the perfect person but by seeing an imperfect person perfectly [Keen]”

Suddenly somehow I feel gifted. I feel blessed by finding him now into my life. Somehow I found out that he’s far from the word “perfection”. But since I and he were united, he still remains imperfect, but the love, the relationship, the affection, the trustworthiness and the faith we both have to then we combined are amazingly be seen as a fully perfected form of reality. As we complete each other, learn to grow tolerances inside us and to throw egos that we’re having. It’s not as easy as saying it. It takes much sacrificing to do such things, but I know I have faith in him. I know that I believe him and I know that I can rely on him. I will cover his “holes” and so does him to mine. That’s supposed of what partners are for, isn’t it?

After the party was done, we sat together in the lobby. Then I said,

“This party is super cool…”, he agreed me, and then he continued,

“I don’t know whether I could make this kind of party in the future for you.”

“What for, I don’t need the package. I need the essence.”

No, Love… I need no luxury. I need the imperfect you, so the imperfect me could tick her heart with yours perfectly. Remember what Gibran said,

“Love is like one soul trapped in two bodies.”

And he didn’t mention about perfection, coz we don’t need that. Perfection will only blunting our sensitivities and senses.

So keep being imperfect Love and I will still know the reason why I should stay beside you.

~G~

Speak to the hand.

Popcorn’s ready.

Soda’s still sparkling.

And he’s now beautifully undressed.

Please do not stop bluffing.

Deeply sorry, though.

I have another thing to do with this guy.

Yet, I have put my hand on you.

Don’t worry.

I’ll be back.

Uncertainty.

^___^

~G~

Yang adalah milikku.

Kau pikir buat apa aku tak beranjak dari peraduan biru yang kini sedang kau percikan noda darah diatasnya dengan rona benci berbau tengik di sekelilingnya? Kau pikir setan apa yang merasuki tiap desah nafas yang ku curi untuk kemudian aku buang dalam dengusan rendah penuh gurauan demi melihatmu menari-nari dalam siluet hitam tak berwajah dan hilang begitu saja dalam satu desiran angin? Kau berkelakar jenaka tentang bagaimana seorang wanita telah menodai dirinya sendiri diatas panggung penuh dengan ribuan pasang mata rubah-rubah bedebah yang menatap nanar sang wanita yang sedang memperagai bagaimana ia tekah mengubur dalam-dalam hati kecilnya demi mencicipi bagaimana rasanya seonggok nafsu benci, membenci dan dibenci itu. Dia pun [membiarkan dirinya] ternoda dalam kubangan takdir tanpa pernah mengecap arti sebuah rasa dan perasaan.

Kau kira buat apa aku memasang telinga tajam-tajam dan membuka mataku lebar-lebar untuk memperhatikanmu – masih tetap ditempatku semula – melucuti satu persatu pakaianmu di depanku dan memperlihatkan ketelanjangan memprihatinkan yang membuatku terpekur merenung tentang kekuasaan sekaligus kekejaman Tuhan kepada siapapun makhluk yang telah Ia tandai? Kau kira surga mana yang sudi menampung tumpukan daging dan tulang belulang terbalut kulit yang mampu berjalan dan berotak namun tak mampu menemukan cara bagaimana menggunakannya selain untuk menyebarkan kebencian dan bau tengik itu sebisa yang dia mampu? Kau kira kejujuran apa yang sudi namanya kau pinjam untuk mencecerkan serpihan harga dirimu yang tercabik-cabik di ujung jurang di bawah langit? Kau kira sehebat apa panca indera bisa membawamu ke puncak atmosfir bumi jika keberanian urung membantumu melaksanakan skenario alam yang bisa membuatmu bertahan? Kau kira sejauh mana kau bisa melangkahkan kakimu diatas angin jika malaikat telah enggan berdekatan dengan kenistaan bau tengikmu yang telanjang merebak dan mematikan nafas sang semilir?

Kau kira kenapa mereka melakukan semua itu padamu diam-diam dan tanpa aba-aba?

Peringatan telah datang padamu agar kau menyudahi tarian telanjangmu itu demi meraih dan mendapatkan apa yang seharusnya tidak [akan] ada dalam lembar kisah perjalananmu ke alam kubur, setelah sebelumnya bongkah kebencian bau tengik itu menggerogoti tiap inci dirimu dan setelah sesudahnya tak lain dan tak bukan kau akan dikenang sebagai “si bongkah kebencian bau tengik dan telanjang memprihatinkan yang mati diatas panggung saat menari bersama bom waktu yang dengan sadar tidak ia sadari kian hari kian menjerat nadi lehernya dan menebas hidupnya hanya dengan satu kali ledakan.”.

Kau kira kenapa kau bisa mati begitu mudah? Ku pikir karena kau mencoba menghalangi segala rasa – di luar kebencian berbau tengik – melingkupi peraduanku dan bersanding bersamaku, yang [seharusnya] adalah milikku.

~G~

*kau kira…? Aah, temukan dulu bagaimana cara mengombinasikan dan menggunakan bongkahan daging, tulang belulang terbalut kulit itu bersama otakmu, setelah itu mengira lah.

Some things worth sacrificing.

“Some things worth sacrificing”, words of wisdom said. That’s what I’m feeling right now, been struggling with all blood, tears and power I have now to open people’s eyes so they can see what I believe and how strong my belief is. Last weekend was a rough weekend for me. I don’t know how much tears I’ve spared to convince them that I’ve made my decision and to tell them that I don’t have any purpose except good will for my future. I’ve been crying and crying with moaning voice that I am no longer a kid and I’m able to think with my own brain and see with my own vision and finally take my own conclusion and so I will live with it and take any good and bad thing I have to face as my risk, with relieving heart and mind. I don’t and never want to see anyone gets hurt, especially those who I love. But I’m sorry, I’m SORRY… I can’t lie, I can’t pretend and, I can’t deny about what I feel. I’m not good at lying anyway. Anyone I can blame about my honesty? Is it my parents, my teacher or my religious teacher, or is it me? Is it me to blame for the courage I have to sound my feeling and be honest with myself?

I get shocked, I’m out of focus and I grieve. Please… please look at me for a while. Please see me and hear me as person, not as any status you’re seeing me holding with. Please open the door of your hearts even just a little bit, even if you just share a bit space for your eyes to see what’s outside your locked doors, to see the world outside isn’t just as large as you gardens. Please melt your hearts a bit to feel a tad of warmness, even if you never get used of it and you will run for a colder room or sunglasses. Please put your foots on my shoes for five minutes, even if you think that it’s too small or even too large for your size. Please be ME for a second, and you will know, you will feel and you will understand, even if I know that you will get and understand not more than 5% of a whole me. But at least you will think that it’s not EASY to be me, it’s not easy when all you think is right is always seen wrong to anybody else. Even when finally I could prove the best result I could reach from my decision, you were too proud of yourselves to admit that I was right at the beginning. You were too selfish to nod your heads to show that you were agree with my actions.

I don’t need anything except your good wishes upon me, your trust upon my belief, your support upon my decision. I have good will, so I have to go on with it in also good ways. And ALL I need from you is just ONE thing; your blessing upon me. Then I smile, then I can prove that with my decision, I can make you smile. Then I can make all of you smile, I will smile for I know that I’m seizing my future with someone that can make me smile. And my future will smile at me.

Some things worth sacrificing, please be kindly consider it, all.

~G~